Why Do We Miss People Who Weren’t Even Good to Us?

“You don’t miss them. You miss the version of them that only existed in your hopes.”

They left you unread for hours. Dismissed your feelings. Made you question your worth over and over. So why does your chest still ache every time you hear their song or pass that café? If you've ever found yourself missing someone who made you feel small, this one's for you.

Nostalgia Has a Selective Memory

Our brains are wired to protect us from pain — and sometimes that means we rewrite the past with softer edges. We remember the one night they stayed on call for hours, not the dozen times they disappeared without a word. We hold onto that one Sunday morning when they made us breakfast, not the countless times we cried ourselves to sleep.

We romanticize the potential, not the patterns.
It’s like that line from Adele — "I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be..." — but we forget what they actually were.

Missing someone doesn’t always mean they were good for you.
Sometimes, it just means your heart hasn’t caught up to the truth your mind already knows.

You Were Attached — Not Always Loved

Let’s be honest: some connections aren’t built on real intimacy. They’re built on confusion, inconsistency, and chaos — the kind that feels like home only because it’s familiar, not because it’s right. Maybe you were stuck in a loop of highs and lows — where the highs felt like fireworks, and the lows felt like freefall. Maybe they gave you just enough to keep you hoping, breadcrumbed your heart with attention that never became affection.

This isn’t love. It’s attachment.
And breaking out of that cycle?
It’s a kind of grief no one prepares you for — a silent mourning of a story you wrote alone. Sometimes we confuse the thrill of being wanted with the security of being loved.

And the hardest part?
Realizing they never saw you clearly — but you kept squinting until they looked like home.

Closure Isn’t Always Given. And That Hurts.

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the breakup — it’s the silence that follows.
No “I’m sorry.” No explanation. Just a ghost where a goodbye should’ve been.

So we scroll back through old messages, zoom in on the “last seen,” replay conversations like detectives searching for clues — hoping something will finally make it make sense.

But what we miss… isn’t always the person. It’s the closure that never came. The sentence left unfinished. The apology we deserved but never received.

As Taylor Swift once sang, “You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath.”
And sometimes, the only way to heal… is to stop waiting for the ending you’ll never get — and write your own.

You Miss the Feeling, Not the Reality

Maybe they made you feel seen once. Or wanted. Or beautiful. But here’s the thing: even a broken clock is right twice a day. One good moment doesn’t erase the chaos that followed.

What you miss…might not even be them. It could be:
• The comfort of routine
• The illusion of being chosen
• The version of you who still believed it was real

And that’s okay. You’re not weak for craving warmth, even if it came from a storm. You’re not foolish for longing for love, even if it was temporary.

You’re not missing the person — you’re missing the feeling. And that doesn’t make you broken.
It makes you human.

It’s Okay to Miss Them — Without Going Back

But please — don’t forget: you didn’t walk away on a whim. You left for a reason. Healing isn’t always about forgetting. Sometimes, it’s about remembering —
and no longer bleeding from the memory. As SZA sang, “I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth…”
But you?
You're worth more than almosts, maybes, and half-love.
You’re worth someone who doesn’t need to hurt you to keep you.

If You’re Reading This at 2 AM

With tears in your eyes,
wondering if they ever really cared —
let this be your sign:

You’re allowed to miss them. You’re allowed to replay the good parts, to ache for the what-ifs. But you’re not required to return.
Not to the pain. Not to the version of you that accepted less than you deserved. Love shouldn’t come with terms and trauma.
It shouldn't feel like begging to be chosen. You weren’t asking for too much — you were just asking the wrong person.

And if this hit something tender in you, I’d love to hear your story — what you're healing from, what you're learning, or even just how your heart feels tonight.

You’re not alone.